The past few days have been extremely stressful and strange, not to mention sad. I want this to be my last post where I complain about my divorce or negative things that are going on so it might be a bit extreme.
My weekend was relaxing, fun and depressing. I got out of work early on Friday and went to the beach which was amazing. I haven't been to the beach all summer and it truly is one of my favorite places in the world (though I prefer beaches that are not on the Long Island Sound but you take what you can get). I could stay on a beach all day, just reading, people watching and napping. Beaches are so peaceful and beautiful, I love them. Though I don't love when little kids throw popcorn right in front of my blanket causing a family of pigeons to congregate around me.
Friday night, I went to dinner and hung out with one of my favorite people and relatives, my cousin Timmy. Timmy knows me so well and we have been extremely close since high school. We had a fun night together and I always enjoy his company (well, usually)...
Here we are ten years ago....
Saturday was a bit of a different day. I woke up early and was at the beach by 8:30. It was extremely quiet and not many people were around except for the 30 or so people taking a yoga class. I made a mental note to myself to find out more about this yoga class, as I think that would be a great way to start off a Saturday morning. I slept, read and relaxed for about three hours and then made my way to my sister's to pick up my favorite little boy, Lucas.
Lucas and I had a great time together (well at least I did and he seemed to as well). We went to Pepe's for pizza and then did a little shopping at Borders. After we got home, we both took well deserved naps, then had dinner and I bathed the little guy. Once he went to bed, it was time for me to feel sorry for myself.
I opened up a bottle of Cabernet and listened to depressing indie rock. I felt like I was in high school but was not invited to the big party after the football game. Did I not mention why? Well, my sister had a going away party for my soon to be ex and all of our friends were there. While I think it was a nice gesture for her to do something special for him, it felt strange to me. I know she isn't choosing sides (and if she were, she would ultimately choose mine because I am her sister) but it felt like her having that party for him made it appear that way. So I drowned my sorrows in some red wine and lots of cigarettes.
I awoke Sunday morning a half hour before the little guy. After waking him up, giving him breakfast and watching our favorite show Yo Gabba Gabba, we each took naps. Once I dropped Lucas off, I spent another lovely day by myself at the beach.
Monday was a very difficult day. I recruited some very kind family members and friends to help me move my furniture into storage. It was extremely depressing to watch the furniture my husband and I picked out be whisked off into a rental van only to be placed into a lonely storage facility. I hated seeing the house empty with dust bunnies everywhere. Once everything was packed up, it was time to say goodbye to the soon to be ex (STBE). It was an awkward moment as there were about eight people a mere fifty feet away from us. I gave him a hug and said "I'm sorry" while doing it. I believe he said it's okay. I said I will talk to you soon and the last thing he said to me was "see you on the other side." My interpretation of that comment was that he meant in hell or when I'm dead. I'm not sure. But it was odd and not how I pictured saying goodbye. Though I'm not sure exactly how I pictured us saying goodbye.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was mourning the loss of my marriage, the loss of a best friend, the loss of my house, my dog, my life as I know it. While the divorce was my idea and I was the one to initiate it, it is still a loss to me and I am still sad. I just want to get through this period of living in limbo and all of the uncertainties. I know I will be a stronger person for it. I really do. And I know I won't regret my decision.
I just hope I begin to feel some normalcy somewhat soon. And I hope that I begin to feel comfortable with the idea of being alone. And on those Friday nights when I feel lonely and am home watching terrible television, I need to remember the reasons why I left him to begin with.
One chapter of my life is over, and a new one is beginning.
To be continued.....
Lucas and I had a great time together (well at least I did and he seemed to as well). We went to Pepe's for pizza and then did a little shopping at Borders. After we got home, we both took well deserved naps, then had dinner and I bathed the little guy. Once he went to bed, it was time for me to feel sorry for myself.
I opened up a bottle of Cabernet and listened to depressing indie rock. I felt like I was in high school but was not invited to the big party after the football game. Did I not mention why? Well, my sister had a going away party for my soon to be ex and all of our friends were there. While I think it was a nice gesture for her to do something special for him, it felt strange to me. I know she isn't choosing sides (and if she were, she would ultimately choose mine because I am her sister) but it felt like her having that party for him made it appear that way. So I drowned my sorrows in some red wine and lots of cigarettes.
I awoke Sunday morning a half hour before the little guy. After waking him up, giving him breakfast and watching our favorite show Yo Gabba Gabba, we each took naps. Once I dropped Lucas off, I spent another lovely day by myself at the beach.
Monday was a very difficult day. I recruited some very kind family members and friends to help me move my furniture into storage. It was extremely depressing to watch the furniture my husband and I picked out be whisked off into a rental van only to be placed into a lonely storage facility. I hated seeing the house empty with dust bunnies everywhere. Once everything was packed up, it was time to say goodbye to the soon to be ex (STBE). It was an awkward moment as there were about eight people a mere fifty feet away from us. I gave him a hug and said "I'm sorry" while doing it. I believe he said it's okay. I said I will talk to you soon and the last thing he said to me was "see you on the other side." My interpretation of that comment was that he meant in hell or when I'm dead. I'm not sure. But it was odd and not how I pictured saying goodbye. Though I'm not sure exactly how I pictured us saying goodbye.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was mourning the loss of my marriage, the loss of a best friend, the loss of my house, my dog, my life as I know it. While the divorce was my idea and I was the one to initiate it, it is still a loss to me and I am still sad. I just want to get through this period of living in limbo and all of the uncertainties. I know I will be a stronger person for it. I really do. And I know I won't regret my decision.
I just hope I begin to feel some normalcy somewhat soon. And I hope that I begin to feel comfortable with the idea of being alone. And on those Friday nights when I feel lonely and am home watching terrible television, I need to remember the reasons why I left him to begin with.
One chapter of my life is over, and a new one is beginning.
To be continued.....
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