George Elliot is a wise man...

He stated

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been."

I like that.

Moving on....

The past few days have been extremely stressful and strange, not to mention sad. I want this to be my last post where I complain about my divorce or negative things that are going on so it might be a bit extreme.

My weekend was relaxing, fun and depressing. I got out of work early on Friday and went to the beach which was amazing. I haven't been to the beach all summer and it truly is one of my favorite places in the world (though I prefer beaches that are not on the Long Island Sound but you take what you can get). I could stay on a beach all day, just reading, people watching and napping. Beaches are so peaceful and beautiful, I love them. Though I don't love when little kids throw popcorn right in front of my blanket causing a family of pigeons to congregate around me.

Friday night, I went to dinner and hung out with one of my favorite people and relatives, my cousin Timmy. Timmy knows me so well and we have been extremely close since high school. We had a fun night together and I always enjoy his company (well, usually)...

Here we are ten years ago....

Saturday was a bit of a different day. I woke up early and was at the beach by 8:30. It was extremely quiet and not many people were around except for the 30 or so people taking a yoga class. I made a mental note to myself to find out more about this yoga class, as I think that would be a great way to start off a Saturday morning. I slept, read and relaxed for about three hours and then made my way to my sister's to pick up my favorite little boy, Lucas.

Lucas and I had a great time together (well at least I did and he seemed to as well). We went to Pepe's for pizza and then did a little shopping at Borders. After we got home, we both took well deserved naps, then had dinner and I bathed the little guy. Once he went to bed, it was time for me to feel sorry for myself.

I opened up a bottle of Cabernet and listened to depressing indie rock. I felt like I was in high school but was not invited to the big party after the football game. Did I not mention why? Well, my sister had a going away party for my soon to be ex and all of our friends were there. While I think it was a nice gesture for her to do something special for him, it felt strange to me. I know she isn't choosing sides (and if she were, she would ultimately choose mine because I am her sister) but it felt like her having that party for him made it appear that way. So I drowned my sorrows in some red wine and lots of cigarettes.

I awoke Sunday morning a half hour before the little guy. After waking him up, giving him breakfast and watching our favorite show Yo Gabba Gabba, we each took naps. Once I dropped Lucas off, I spent another lovely day by myself at the beach.

Monday was a very difficult day. I recruited some very kind family members and friends to help me move my furniture into storage. It was extremely depressing to watch the furniture my husband and I picked out be whisked off into a rental van only to be placed into a lonely storage facility. I hated seeing the house empty with dust bunnies everywhere. Once everything was packed up, it was time to say goodbye to the soon to be ex (STBE). It was an awkward moment as there were about eight people a mere fifty feet away from us. I gave him a hug and said "I'm sorry" while doing it. I believe he said it's okay. I said I will talk to you soon and the last thing he said to me was "see you on the other side." My interpretation of that comment was that he meant in hell or when I'm dead. I'm not sure. But it was odd and not how I pictured saying goodbye. Though I'm not sure exactly how I pictured us saying goodbye.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was mourning the loss of my marriage, the loss of a best friend, the loss of my house, my dog, my life as I know it. While the divorce was my idea and I was the one to initiate it, it is still a loss to me and I am still sad. I just want to get through this period of living in limbo and all of the uncertainties. I know I will be a stronger person for it. I really do. And I know I won't regret my decision.

I just hope I begin to feel some normalcy somewhat soon. And I hope that I begin to feel comfortable with the idea of being alone. And on those Friday nights when I feel lonely and am home watching terrible television, I need to remember the reasons why I left him to begin with.

One chapter of my life is over, and a new one is beginning.

To be continued.....

What a day!!!

I made the mistake of going to sleep at 8PM this evening. It is now 11PM and I am wide awake. I had a very intense day at work. One of my clients was making suicidal ideations so my partner (no, I don't have a Lesbian lover) and I had to bring him to the emergency room with his mother. We were there for about five hours before he was transferred to a psychiatric facility. It was a very draining, tiring, sad day.

I am a social worker!! I am proud to say that I am a social worker. After three years of a grueling graduate program at Fordham in New York. I received my masters in social work on May 22nd, 2007. That was a very proud moment in my life!

For three years of my life, I gave up my Saturdays to drive to Tarrytown, New York. Two of those three years, I was working 30 hours a week and participating in 21 hours of field work. Plus, I was going through a personal crisis. And I managed to graduate with a 3.87 GPA. Not too shabby if I do say so myself!

It took me almost one year from the day that I graduated to finally land a job in the social work field. But it was definitely worth it, as I absolutely love my job. I honestly look forward to waking up in the morning and going to work. I don't hate Sundays anymore, which used to be my most dreaded day of the week. Truly, I am one of those people who LOVE their job! I work at an agency providing in-home therapeutic interventions with children and adolescents who have psychiatric illnesses (aka mentall illness - which some people, I recently found out think that means mentally retarded which it does not so I wanted to clarify). My job is different every single day. I am meeting so many different types of people from all walks of life and seeing things that make me count my blessings. This job has made me realize (though I have always known - it just reminds me on a daily basis) how truly lucky and blessed I am to have grown up the way I did and have the life I have today.

When I have days where I'm feeling down about myself, the divorce, being in debt, living with my parents, missing my dog, etc, etc, I try to think about my clients and their families. I think about the fact that one of my 10 year old boys said he had the "best day" of his life when he went to the arcade and Subway at Trumbull mall with my partner and me for a mere 60 minutes. That was his chicken patty moment. And I try to savor that in my mind.....

4th of July Weekend

This was probably one of the most low key 4th of July weekends I have had in the history of my 4th of July weekends. Which isn't to say it was a bad thing...

One of the stranger things about not being in a relationship anymore is the fact that you don't automatically have someone to hang out with. While I am very lucky because I have lots of family and friends whom I can spend my time with, it still is a weird change to go through.

Usually, 4th of July weekend is filled with lots of picnics and hanging out with different people, etc. I didn't have too much going on this weekend but I was fine with that. I enjoy down time and I still have lots of packing to do before the house closes on July 31st. So for this 4th of July weekend, I went to visit a dear friend, Lori in Massachusetts.

Lori and I have been friends for over seven years now. We have so much in common and relate to many things on different levels. She actually went through a divorce a couple years back and I was not the most supportive friend to her. I am very lucky that she is understanding and has been nothing but wonderful and helpful to me during this time. Our day consisted of lots of eating and drinking which was nice.

When I got back to Connecticut on Saturday, my mother helped me pack up the kitchen which was completely depressing. The house is almost barren now and I can't stand being there. I give my soon to be ex lots of credit for staying there! So Saturday afternoon began the spiral of feeling like crap.

Sunday, I had the opportunity to see my most favorite person in the world...

Lucas Leonard Auten. He is my one and only nephew (and Godson) and the love of my life. He and his parents (my sister Jaime and her husband Sean) came over my parents for breakfast. Lucas can always bring a smile to my face and make me happy even when I'm sad. It was great to see him and receive his hugs. He is the best.

I feel better today than I did yesterday but overall I'm still a bit blah. I just feel like the 31st can't come soon enough. I know how difficult it is going to be to say goodbye to my house, Chuck and Eli and I'm dreading that moment. But I know once that part is over, I will be able to get on with my life, as will Chuck, which is what is most important.

I hope my next post is more uplifting and exciting!

It's Been A While....

I haven't written in quite some time which is obvious. I have been compelled to start this up again due to recent changes that are taking effect into my life. I also have received some inspiration from my friend's blogs, check them out:

http://yearoffrugalliving.blogspot.com/

http://feministgolddigger.blogspot.com/

Things in my life have changed immensely. I am in the process of getting a divorce from my husband of five years. We began dating when I was 19 and to make a very long story short, I have just changed very much since then, as well as the age of 24 when we got married. I am saddened by the entire event because he is a wonderful man who will do anything for me. I hate knowing I am hurting a person so much! But I know in the end I am making the right decision for both of us. I told him that once he meets someone who adores him the way he deserves, he will realize it to.

So for now, I am losing my husband as well as my doggy, Eli

and my beautiful house that I love

I try to look at the good things in life though. I am lucky to have supportive parents who love me and are letting me live with them, rent free (I try to remind myself of this when I start to ruminate on the fact that I am almost 30 years old, living with my parents), I am healthy, I love my job and I have amazing friends. It is difficult to be optimistic when things are tough (especially the finances). But I am learning each and everyday what a strong person I am!